Attacking the Roots of Sibling Rivalry, Part 2

by Dr. Todd Cartmell
6/23/2006
As parents, we know our children better than anyone else and sometimes even think we know everything they are capable of becoming. We see a flash of talent and are convinced that we have a natural pianist on our hands. Or we see a struggle with reading and fear that our child may not go to college.

When we do this, we make a tragic mistake. We assume that we can predict our children’s future—what they can achieve and what they can’t—based on a few instances of early behavior. It is like watching the first five minutes of a movie, then turning it off and trying to predict all the twists and turns of the plot that will follow. While you may be able to correctly guess a few themes, there will be many unexpected surprises that you never could have known.

Proof of this abounds everywhere you look. Distinguished people throughout history who were thought to have learning problems—such as Albert Einstein, Mozart, Thomas Edison, and Walt Disney—went on to accomplish amazing things. High school students who were cut from their basketball team go on to excel in professional sports (does Michael Jordan ring a bell?).

Early evidence indicated that these outcomes were improbable. But the early evidence was wrong! In 1 Samuel 16:7, Samuel took one look at Eliab and concluded that he would be the next king of Israel. But God corrected Samuel, saying, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. but the LORD looks at the heart." The outside evidence was misleading in both cases. It was the inner heart and character that made the difference.

The message for parents is unmistakable: Each of your children has unbelievable potential that may not be visible right now. In fact, there may even be evidence to the contrary. But don’t be fooled by outside appearances. Jesse would never have dreamed in a million years that his sheep-herding, slingshot-wielding youngest son would become the greatest king Israel had ever known. In the same way, God has great plans of eternal significance for each one of your children, and who knows what those plans might be.

Your words can help to unleash you child’s God-given potential or they can squelch it. When you label your children, you take the identity of a troublemaker, lazy kid, or a perfect child and, through constant repetition, cement that identity in your child’s mind. You are telling him who he is, what he can and cannot accomplish, and what he is (or is not) likely to become.

The labels we place on our children are numerous. Take any skill or trait and simply define your child as being that skill or trait. The formula looks like this:

Skill/trait = My child

Here are some examples:

“Mindy is our little straight-A student.”
“Gabriel is our all-star athlete.”
“Britney is the smart one in the family.”
“We call him Taz because he never sits still.”
“Edward is going to be our preacher.”
“Tina is our responsible girl. At least we have one!”

Toni regularly used negative labels such as “bad boy,” “lazy,” and “brat” when she talked about her son, William. I remember physically cringing the first time I heard those hurtful labels spill out of Toni’s mouth as she criticized William’s behavior as they sat together in my office. William immediately grew defensive and angry as he responded to his mother’s caustic words. In my mind, I imagined how many other times William must have heard these words from his mother about the kind of boy he is, and what enormous cumulative effect this had had on his self-image. I immediately insisted on using respectful words and later talked to Toni about the damaging effect her words were having on her son.

In addition to the negative impact that labeling has on individual children, these harmful phrases can also damage sibling relationships. If Anthony is labeled the “family scholar,” his sister Sharon may conclude that she is not very smart. If Jenny is labeled the “family musician,” her sister Rebecca may assume that she has no musical talent. If Troy is regularly referred to as the “messy one” in the family, he will grow resentful when he sees his brothers make messes that go unnoticed.

These labels lead to false conclusions and sibling resentment. The fact is that both Anthony and Sharon can be good thinkers. While Jenny may be talented at music, Rebecca can also learn to play an instrument if she practices hard. And yes, Troy often leaves his room in shambles, but everyone in the family makes a mess at times.

You can avoid labeling your children by focusing the power of your words on three things:
1. Your child’s behavior
2. Your child’s effort
3. Your child’s potential

By focusing your comments in these areas, you will send your children accurate messages about who they are and open doors to all the possibilities God had in mind for them before they breathed their first breath.

This is part two of a three-part series from Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell